“Sometimes the smallest things, take away the most room in your heart”- Anonymous
Brian had his small group brotherhood meeting on this evening and he called me before he came home. Once he arrived home, I grabbed my robe and headed down the stairs to greet him. As we sat on the couch and talked a small shadow flickered in the hallway, Ahhh! That was Brenden. I wondered why he was yet awake. He came and sat next to us and when it was time to go upstairs some kind of way he managed to get on his Daddy’s shoulders and enjoyed a nice ride upstairs and into his bed. As Brian and I were getting ready to jump in to the bed, we could hear the sound of someone’s footsteps in the hallway, it was Brenden again! So the next thing you know he’s in the middle of the bed, playing with my hands, whispering secrets to me….then….just as short as his whisper he fell asleep. As I looked at his innocent cute face, I wondered, how big my little one has now grown up. He’s 5 years old now; time has just flown so quickly. I truly heard the Lord say to me, “They are hurting.”
Over the years I have realized that writing is the best way to release your emotions. So, I decided to pen down my thoughts. I love to get inspiration from other bloggers, so visited a blog called An Inch of Gray by Anna. As I was reading about her latest thrift shop find, I looked over and saw a post years ago about losing her son. Then I heard the voice of the Lord again, “Help those that are hurting…moms, dads, families.” Then I had my AHA moment, as Oprah always says I knew what was required of me.
Emotionally, this is the toughest blog post for me to write, but I would like to do it. Just to tell you all, how important it is to listen to your inner voice.
My Baby Braylon……
Children are not merely lives we create, but they are god’s real gifts given to us. Motherhood is an absolute blessing! I am lucky to have experienced it. A woman has many roles to fulfill in a lifetime and the role of a mother is an integral one. At first me and Brian had each other, then the kids came along. Now we have everything!
It was January 7, 2011 Yeah my Birthday! The day I will never forget. I decided to have my ultrasound. It was then time for some yummy breakfast! I opened the refrigerator to check what I have, so that I can quickly whip up something. Guess what I saw, a gorgeous diamond ring in the first compartment of the fridge. I was smiling like there was no tomorrow! What a perfect day! My man just surprised me, kids are happy, I said to myself life is good, life is really good.
As we walked in to the ultrasound office, we were greeted by the staff and it’s quite nice when you know the techs and doctors by their first name. That’s one of the perks of having multiple children you see. It’s finally our turn and…….IT’s a BOY!! 3 Girls and now 3 BOYS! This is turning out to be the happiest day of my life. The doctor says everything looks good but there is a small thinning area on my uterus that he noticed and would mention it to my OB but other than that we were all set to go! I can’t wait to go to church this evening and tell EVERYONE that we are expecting and that it’s a BOY. As I was getting dressed to go to the church I started feeling a little tug in my abdomen accompanied by pain. Brian laid hands on me and prayed for me. My mind must be playing tricks on me. I have been completely fine during this pregnancy up until now. I had no idea what was going on.
At church I remember the pain getting worse and when they called for announcements, I could barely stand up. Then I thought I will share the good news with them on Sunday. The entire Saturday I stayed in bed and off my feet and I felt a little better. I could not wait to tell the Saints about our little bundle of joy. I woke up that morning and as soon as I got up that “tug” that I was feeling loosed accompanied with the most unbearable pain. I dropped down to my knees and before I could reach the floor Brian was right there to hold me in his strong arms. By the time we arrived at the hospital the diagnosis was not good. Uterine Tear and I was on immediate hospital bed rest until Braylon was born. Baby Braylon needed to be nurtured for another 3 months, I was six months pregnant then. The next few months were really hard. The pain was so bad and I wasn’t allowed to take any pain killers because it could mask the full rupture. Also, the only time I got up was to actually use the bathroom, it’s actually the only time I was allowed to get up. At that point of time, I could do anything to save my child. Around the 6th or 7th day, it was time for my daily ultrasound. I could finally see Braylon, but this time what I saw stayed in my mind forever. I saw the sheer horror on the ultrasound assistant’s face and I couldn’t believe what I was actually seeing on the screen. Half of my son’s body was going in and out of the womb. The tear had increased in size and now I was bleeding internally.
The prognosis was I need to have emergency surgery and Braylon was going to die. I remember screaming at the doctors with tears flowing down my face, “Don’t say that about my child. My child will live, don’t utter those words regarding my son. Take it back! Take it back!” I buried my face into Brian’s shirt and began to bite the inside of my cheek….I knew this was a terrible nightmare and I needed to wake up. WAKE UP JAYME! WAKE UP!! I know this is a dream…this couldn’t be happening….if I could just wake myself up…..why can’t I wake up??? Then I became so desperate that I began to bargain with God. I told Him if He would allow Braylon to live, I will give the diamond ring back, I would give my car away, my house, the money in the bank…..I would give every materialistic thing I owned on this earth…..But then I remembered my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who asked the Father to “let this cup pass from me but not thine will but let Your will be done.” Jesus knew that being arrested, beaten all night long, going from place to place, being scourged to the point that his flesh was ripped off his back, carrying the cross, and then laying down his life was definitely not an easy task. He requested that “this cup” pass from Him. He was hoping maybe it was another way but He was always willing to do whatever the will of the Father was. Sometimes my friend, we don’t get to choose what cup comes in front of us, the only thing we have control over is how we go through it.
I am not sure when reality set in or if it ever did. I remember one of the doctors saying, “What would you like us to do with his body once he’s delivered.” The words rang in my ears like a loud cymbal. It sounded all green and Latin to me…..I was in a place between reality and fiction. I came through these doors with a living being in my body and now you are telling me that this beautiful living being that I can feel moving inside me is not coming home with me?? I remember my answer being, “Take him to his father and handle him with care.” The next agonizing hours were me and Brian playing every moment. You see, I was going to be under general anesthesia, though it was not my choice but they had no clue how much damage was done in my body so they refused to allow me to be in consciousness. As you may know, with general anesthesia there are no visitors in the operating room so Brian was going to be in a separate room. We held hands all the way to the operating room and then we were separated. It was time for both of us to face different paths alone….only God could help us. Brian and I decided to just believe God. God can do anything and even if “He” decided not to spare Braylon’s life, it does not mean that “He” wasn’t able to……the fate of this was in the hands of a Loving God who never makes a mistake. It’s all up to Him now.
I heard someone calling my name…”Jayme…Jayme can you hear me? How are you feeling? Jayme.” I felt no pain….could it be that this was all a terrible nightmare after all? I saw Brian, I had no pain, and I said…..”where is my baby?” Then I looked into the eyes of my husband as if I could see his soul…..no shake of the head, no words, he just held my hands and gave me a loving yet sad smile. I knew it really wasn’t some terrible nightmare. My baby…my precious son…that I just felt moving and kicking inside of me was gone….Then a nurse came through the doors with a tiny bassinet….one that I had seen some many times before and there was a baby all swaddled up a beautiful handmade blanket. He looked like an Angel just sleeping….my baby Braylon.
As the days, weeks, and months went by the pain began to heal. For insurance purposes, they were requesting his birth certificate but for some reason it never came to the house. I went to the Vital Statistics office to retrieve it but what they handed me was not his birth certificate. They had accidentally handed me his death certificate. As I sat there and saw his name, weight, height, date of birth, but what stopped me was duration of life…..”10 minutes” My son lived 10 minutes and during those 10 minutes of life he was showered by love from his Daddy. Yes, Brian held him until he passed away. What would you do if you only had 10 minutes of life remaining? What would you say? When you only have 10 minutes many things seem insignificant yet we hold on to them so strongly. Spend time with you loved ones every minute that you can. Always tell them that you love them and that you appreciate them; just don’t know when it will be the last 10 minutes that you have to say so.
It has been 3 years and our healing process has been slow and steady but God has always been faithful. God’s word states that, He will never put more on us than we can bear. I would like to let other moms and dads, that have gone through a loss of a child, know that you are not alone. I am here for you and together we can life, cry, and share our beautiful memories of our little angels…..
In Great Faith,